I was ordered to do an anger management class while I was in Afghanistan.

It all started with a softball game. Our unit's base of operations was an airbase in Uzbekistan, which had belonged to the Soviets when that was still a thing. There was not much to do there but get ready for the next event, so some of the early inhabitants of the base got creative. They built a running track for PT and a softball field for recreation. Someone at some point had organized a league and when we had time would schedule games.

In one of these games our unit went up against a group of Air Force mechanics. It was a close game, and in one of the later innings I hit a ball into the outfield and made it to second base. It was a close play, but I was safe. Only, the second baseman pulled me off the bag when the ump had turned away only to scream for the ump's attention when he had me separated. I was called out. The second baseman said something to me. I took offense.

And I punched him in the face.

Chaos predictably followed. Both units rushed out. There was pushing and angry words were exchanged. Eventually it was all broken up, the game was cancelled, and I was escorted back to the barracks.

The next day I was called before my commander to explain myself. I didn't offer a defense really. I felt that I had been provoked. My commander asked if I thought that maybe I had gone too far.

Me: No sir. Not really.

Commander: I don't feel like I am hearing any remorse.

Me: That's because I don't really feel like I have any.

Commander: (sighs exhaustedly) SSG Hall, I understand that you were upset. But your response was disproportionate. Anger doesn't solve anything.

Me: (waits for another AC-130 gunship to take off on the runway less than 1000 meters from the tent we're talking in) Yes sir. Maybe we should tell that to the US Government.

The commander wanted to give me an Article 15 (a serious punishment that would have ended my career). My platoon sergeant and good friend convinced him to let me do anger management with the mental health team on base. The commander agreed.

And so it was that I found myself in a small group of similarly punished soldiers and airmen, participating in an anger management class, in Afghanistan, in the middle of a war zone.

It was - and still is - beyond surreal.

I have thought a LOT about anger since then. Really, I thought about it a lot before then. I have been angry for as long as I can remember.

It's not like I was angry for no reason. I have had a lot of crazy, messed up things happen to me. Stuff that left me angry. And I had no idea what to do with it, or how to express it. It just came out in random ways at times that it didn't fit.

Anger wasn't my problem. My problem was understanding anger.

We don't really do a good job of dealing effectively with anger. We think of anger as scary (it can be) and always, ALWAYS negative (not remotely). Anger has become something to be feared and avoided. Becoming angry is seen as a sign of emotional weakness, a lack of control. Anger, we are told, is a masking emotion. Becoming angry means we lack the emotional intelligence to see what is causing us to be upset and are unable address the root cause of our distress. Anger, in this formulation, isn't a "real" emotion.

Bullshit.

We all get angry. All of us. And anger is sometimes a masking emotion - we get angry because we really feel insecure or ashamed. But all emotions can be masking emotions. Have you ever forced yourself to be happy when you felt something different?

Anger is also completely capable of being its own emotion. When we are cut off in traffic and we feel that sudden rush of anger? That isn't masking anything. You can be pissed off. When politicians harm the marginalized or ignore the poor? Pissed off is a completely rational response to injustice. And in some cases, it is a necessary response. After all, nothing gets our attention quite like anger.

Anger is dangerous when it lasts. When it builds over time. On a long enough timeline, anger turns inward. That's where the real negative consequences live.

For a long time, I tried to deal with my anger by "managing" it, "controlling" it, or otherwise minimizing it. And it never worked. None of the anger management classes or therapies. Not the mindfulness or meditation. They had some ability to blunt its worst effects, but they never eliminated my anger.

That's when it hit me. The way to control my anger was not to try and eliminate it or tamp it down. It was to understand it, make my peace with it, and accept it was okay. I had to realize that I was angry all the time, that was just a part of who I was. And rather than fight that, I needed to accept and love that part of myself and figure out how to use that emotion to make a positive difference.

How did Bruce Banner learn how to manage The Hulk? He accepted that he was always angry.

Look, taking an anger management class in the middle of a war is preposterous. And punching someone over anything that happens in a slow pitch softball game is even more preposterous. There were so many other things to be angry about. It turns out that our Uzbek airbase had been built partially over an area where the Soviets had dumped all sorts of toxic chemicals. When the US took over, somehow the civilian site environmental survey teams (from Halliburton) missed it. Servicemembers stationed there are now reporting cancer at an elevated rate. That is worth being pissed about. A meaningless softball game not so much.

Being angry is a part of being human. It is a response to trauma, fear, insecurity and injustice. Anger can cause change - internally and externally. Anger can cause fear but should not be feared.

When anger comes now, my first impulse is to try and be curious about it. Why am I feeling this? Why now? I don't try to hide from it or chase the feeling away. I try and find a safe outlet for it and then give it space. Or I direct it somewhere useful. I have emailed the offices of several Senators when angry, usually about stuff that had nothing to do with them.

In the end, I have learned to "manage" my anger. I learned to love it. It has always shown up for one reason - to keep me and the people around me safe.

And I will always honor that.