Pony Socks

The last week or two have been rough for me as a sports fan. The Tar Heels lost, and then just kept on losing. The men’s basketball team - so heralded coming into this year - has now lost 4 straight games. The women’s basketball rose as high as #6 in the country before being beaten by 24 points by Indiana. The football team ended its year on a three game losing streak, including a blowout loss to Clemson in the ACC title game. The UNC women’s soccer team - the winningest program of all time and holder of 21 (21!!!) national championships - had a comfortable two goal lead evaporate in the last 10 minutes of regulation and would lose in soul crushing fashion to UCLA 3-2. The US men’s national team fell to the Netherlands. TCU, Coastal Carolina and Boise State (all schools I have unique personal ties to) lost important football games. 

At one point I couldn’t even find the remote to turn off the TV and make it all stop. I’m telling you, it was a rough time.

I get that it is only sportsball. In the grand scheme of things, the team that wins or loses a game where it tries to throw a ball in a bucket or kick a ball into a net isn’t exactly what I would consider major stakes. I am a sports fan. I like watching and playing these games. I also recognize what they are and what they aren’t.

All that said, though, it really sucks to watch your team lose. It sucks to lose your hope for what the season could be. It sucks to cheer so intensely for one outcome, only to get another. 

It sucks to feel disappointed and being disappointed is as central to being human as breathing.

The human brain is a pattern recognition machine. It is perhaps our true genius as a species.

Our brains are overwhelmed with input. Think about what your brain is processing while you read this. Imagine that you are reading it on your phone on your lunch break at work. Your brain is processing the words on the screen and you are thinking about what I am saying. At the same time your taste buds are processing the leftovers you brought for lunch and your stomach is digesting your food. Your ears are hearing all the activity in the break room. Your butt is processing how the chair feels, and is constantly checking in to make sure everything is balanced and straight. Your lungs are taking in air. Your entire skin is touching something and communicating how things feel - your socks, your sweater, this screen. 

All of that information, all of those tasks, all come to your brain which is able to process, understand, and guide your thoughts and actions within microseconds of getting the information. And your brain is able to do this because it takes shortcuts. It finds easy ways to process large chunks of information quickly. It does this by looking for patterns. 

When our brain sees a certain set of facts, it recognizes patterns and prepares accordingly. For instance, if you see clouds in the sky and water on the ground when you open your front door, then your brian makes the very reasonable assumption that it has or will rain, and so you grab an umbrella. Your brain prepares you by recognizing patterns and - this is key - making assumptions based on those patterns about what will happen.

I know what you’re thinking: what does this have to do with being disappointed? 

Good question. And it’s simple, really. Your brain makes assumptions. And with assumptions come expectations. And with expectation comes disappointment.

Our brains operate with incomplete information. The assumptions we make are often inaccurate - sometimes a little inaccurate, sometimes a LOT inaccurate. And that means that the expectations based on those assumptions are not always reasonable. In fact our expectations can be unreasonable, reckless or wrong. Most of the time, though, they are just off. Because the world is an inherently unpredictable place. Our poor brains would love it if human behavior was predictable, or if outcomes were consistent. It would make its job much easier. 

Unfortunately for our brains, life is messy.

That means that our teams lose, even when we think they will win. That means that the special gift you bought for that special person may underwhelm them. That means that the party you think will be a dud turns out amazing, and the connection you thought would work just… doesn’t. 

We have disappointments, large and small. And disappointments really sting. Even if things eventually come around. The English novelist Thomas Hardy (one of my all time favs) once said that “(t)he sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.” He’s right. Even if we end up getting what we want, it’s never the same after that initial disappointment.

Disappointment is a confounded expectation. We expect X and we get Z. We want a pony for Christmas, and instead we get socks. When we open the socks, we will feel disappointed. Even if the socks have ponies on them. 

The Buddha taught that expectations were the pathway to unhappiness. The key to finding nirvana is to let go of expectations and travel through life like a leaf on the water, going where the current takes you and being open to the possibilities of the universe. I agree with that insight. To a point. We can and should let go of the things that keep us tied to expectations - with all the disappointment and stress that come with them.

And. Two things can be true at the same time. 

We can see the value in releasing expectations and honor the value of our brain’s work in recognizing patterns and making assumptions about the world around us. 

Think of it like this. You come home from a night out. When you get home, you notice all the lights in the house are off and the front door is wide open. A window is broken. You hear noise from inside the house.

I humbly submit to you that this is NOT the time to float blissfully through the world, open to the possibility of the universe. Instead, you should listen to your brain’s assumption that something less than pleasant is happening and heed the expectation that if you go in, something bad is not just possible, but likely. 

The original purpose of expectation is to keep us safe. Our brain wants to help us avoid situations that might be unpleasant, and lead us toward situations that are pleasant. It’s that simple. Our brain wants us to have more good and less bad.

So, a little expectation now and again is not a bad thing. It’s okay to cheer when our team takes a big lead or get excited when you get to go on a date with a special person. It’s okay to expect, to dream, to hope.

In fact, these days I would argue that hope is an act of defiance and resistance. Hope is a necessary counter to a world that can feel dark and overwhelming.

And hope comes with expectations. It comes with belief. It comes with leaps of faith.

And with these things comes disappointment. Big disappointments. Small disappointments. And all the ones in between. In those moments it is okay to feel heartbreak. It is okay to feel crushed. It would be unreasonable to expect different. Socks instead of a pony sucks. Even if they’re pony socks. 

It’s not okay to stay there. Disappointment is not permanent. It lasts as long as you let it. 

That’s because expectations are renewable. You can find new things to hope for and new goals to reach for.  Hope does not end when it finds a setback. It merely changes.

Keep hoping. Keep expecting. Yes, you will find disappointment. That’s part of being human.

Just pull up your pony socks, set your gaze forward, and head out into the unknown. 

You got this.

May it ever be so.