For the month of February I will be writing a series of essays about love. Even though it’s a couple of days early, here’s the first installment of love…
Sunday is Barbara and I’s 30th wedding anniversary.
We have been together for over 35 years. In that time we have had two major separations (each lasting about 6 months) and too many arguments, disagreements, and frustrations to count. We have raised (and are raising) 5 amazing kids and 1 cool grandkid. We have been through years of military service and combat, mental and physical breakdowns, hospitalizations (mostly hers), and a suicide attempt (that one was all me). We have been PTA presidents and playgroup coordinators, we have served on nonprofit boards, and been community and church leaders. We have presented at conferences, preached to hundreds, and led more workshops than either of us could count. We have had years of therapy - separately and together.
We have loved one another through it all, and I don’t mean the feeling of love. I mean the action. It wasn’t always happily ever after. Despite what the Beatles might tell you, love is NOT all you need. With apologies to the Fab Four, it takes a teensy bit more.
If I had to boil it all down - all we have learned over 35+ years of life together - it would be one very simple mantra.
Small steps, big picture.
Relationships are about small steps - the little things that you do every day to build connection and create community. The small acts of love and sacrifice. Putting down the toilet seat. Buying flowers, or the beer they like. Forgoing adopting every cat you see because you know they are allergic.
Some of the small steps are hard. Sometimes the small step is humbling yourself. Admitting you are wrong. Saying “I’m sorry.” Sometimes the small steps are taken on what feels like the edge of a cliff. Sometimes they are on a sunny, sandy beach. The important thing is that whether they are hard or easy, you take the step. Then the next. Then the next. And you keep showing your love in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, and for as long as you can.
Small steps, taken every day, can take you for miles and miles and years and years.
Those small steps don’t lead you anywhere unless you know where you are going, though. You can take step after step and it will feel like you are still standing in the same place, and that nothing changes. If you don’t know where you are going, you get anywhere. You are just stuck, taking steps to nowhere.
You have to see the big picture. You have to know where you are headed. You have to have a vision of who you want to be as a person, and who you want to be as a couple.
When Barbara and I were in college we knew that we would get married one day. And we knew other things too.
We knew that we wanted a big family. In fact, I wanted my own basketball team. 5 kids. Check.
We knew that we wanted one person to stay home with the kids. We wanted to give our kids a childhood where someone was there when they got home, asking about their day, and being there for them. It didn’t matter whether it was mom or dad, but someone should be a stay at home parent. Turns out, we both did it at different times. Check.
We wanted to be that house. The one where all the kids gathered. The one that took in strays and always had snacks and generally served as a safe place for all kids of all backgrounds. We did that at two different houses. In fact, Liz and her friends from high school still come over to our house on every break from college. Check and check.
Finally, and most importantly, we agreed that our commitment to one another was non-negotiable. That our marriage was truly ‘til death do us part. That we were in this for the long haul. Forever. Even when that got rough. Even when people who weren’t us thought we were crazy for being together. We would stick it out.
Here we are. 30 years later.
There are scars - physical and emotional. We have failed so many times. Failed our kids, failed one another, and failed ourselves. And through failing we have learned what works. We have gotten better.
We keep trying. Everyday. We take small steps toward a big vision. And, although love isn’t all you need, it sure helps a lot.
Today, like every day, I am grateful. I am grateful for my wife and my family. I am glad to be here. I want to be the very best version of myself for the people I care about. I will fuck that up. I will keep trying.
Small steps. Big picture.
May it ever be so.
Oh my goodness. Congratulations!!! 30 years is an incredible accomplishment, and no doubt thousands (ok probably millions) of small steps. Well done!
Thanks again for wonderful and caring writing. As a married person who celebrated our 56th anniversary last August, I'll add that it all keeps ringing true. Love the image of small (and yes , definitely, daily) steps.