I was reminded again this week that things have a way of coming back to themselves. Sometimes that is a good thing. Sometimes it is not. But good and bad are judgments. Some things just are. Then they are again.

I had a bad day Monday. It was the worst I had felt in a long time. Last week, I decided to accept a leadership position with a group in our local schools. This is something I have done before. Several times actually. However, this is the first time I have taken on a formal leadership role in a (non-church) community organization in quite a while. Nearly 7 years in fact.

Because it was nearly 7 years ago that I had my mental health crisis, suicide attempt and subsequent arrest. One of the primary reasons I haven't accepted a leadership role since then was because I didn't want my past choices to become a present headache for whatever organization I was in. And those fears were validated Monday when someone emailed the current director of the organization asking if they knew what I had done and suggesting that my actions should disqualify me from leadership and would reflect badly on the organization.

It was a real gut punch. I was left feeling that I would never be forgiven, that none of the work I have done for the last 7 years mattered. I thought people would always just see me as the reckless drunk who drove into a utility pole, and not see all the work I have done to heal and grow. 

I was reminded that the past always shows up.