Matthew made a surprise visit home this weekend. Normally I am able to ferret out these conspiracies, but not this time. He and Barb were able to keep the visit secret from me for nearly two weeks.

I would love to tell you that his trip was to celebrate his parent’s anniversary, but it wasn't anything that poetic. The purpose was twofold: he needed to get his car serviced and he wanted to come home for the first UNC / Duke game of the year.

When we moved to Chapel Hill in late 2007 (just over 15 years ago - that blows my mind), I was inundated with varied versions of the same question: which blue are you? Did I support UNC or Duke? I was mostly disinterested in the question. Not having grown up here, I had no natural rooting interest. I had no real ties to either university. I had followed the rivalry from a distance, as a general sports fan, but I was no partisan. I soon began to understand, however, that to be here (and to be a basketball fan) was to choose a side. Even still, I was on the fence. I wanted to be like Switzerland and cheer for both. 

I had coffee one morning during this time with my friend Fred. I explained my grand neutrality plan. He looked at me and asked (rhetorically) where I lived. I told him Chapel Hill. It seems to me, he said, that cheering for the hometown team is the right thing to do. He was right. I chose my blue - UNC - and I haven’t looked back. 

Matthew did not have such doubt. When we moved here, Matthew was almost exactly the same age as Justin is now. Despite being the same age, Matthew had started school a year earlier and was in second grade. One of the first things we did as a family after moving here was to take everyone down to Franklin Street to walk and get ice cream. We strolled by stores selling all manner of UNC gear, saw students decked out in Carolina blue, and saw “go to hell Dook” in storefront windows. Matthew looked around at all of this Carolina finery and made his decision. He stopped in his tracks on Franklin Street, looked at the rest of us and said:

“I’m a Duke fan.”

From that moment forward, Matthew has been a passionate Duke fan. Had he gone to school there, he would have been the kind to camp out for weeks to get into Cameron Indoor Stadium. He even cheers for Duke football. He cheers for Duke despite having grown up in the nearly literal shadow of UNC. Despite often being the only Duke fan in the room. Despite relentless criticism and entreaties to switch. He has remained steadfast.

Here’s the thing though. If we had been standing on Toomer’s Corner instead of Franklin Street, he would have said “Roll Tide.” He would’ve sung Hail to the Victors in Columbus or screamed “Go Navy!” at West Point. Part of the reason he became a Duke fan is precisely because everyone else was a UNC fan. It was to stir things up, to be provocative, to turn left when everyone else veered right. This has always been part of Matthew’s personality. At times, it feels like a part of his DNA. He almost instinctively swims against the current, impervious to all efforts to convince him to change course. He has an independence - and a resolve - that is deeply impressive. 

And, if I am being completely honest, sometimes the thing about Matthew that is among his most impressive traits - this independence - can be the thing that drives me most crazy about him. There is a fine line between independent thought and stubbornness. And sometimes stubbornness turns into obstinance. Sometimes iconoclasm is indistinguishable from cussedness. He can be petty. He holds a grudge. He thinks everything that can be argued should be argued. It can be a lot.

And I think it is that way for most of us. The things that we love the most about ourselves are the exact same traits that the people around us find the most disagreeable. We think of our personality traits as operating independently - that we have a good sense of humor, or that we are generous, or kind. Most of the time, though, our personality traits have a “photo negative” that rides with them. Our sense of humor means that sometimes we don’t take things seriously enough. Our generosity means that we struggle to set boundaries and can be taken advantage of. Everything about us that is positive has a negative. 

One of the things that has always struck me about the whole “two blues” thing is that it overlooks how closely the two universities are linked in the lives and the world of those of us who live here. We all have dear friends who went to both. We have all had deeply negative interactions with both. We have all had positive experiences with both. The two universities are linked, just as Durham and Chapel Hill are linked. There is no “us” and “them.” It’s just us. I know that makes the basketball rivalry less interesting, but it’s true.

And just as the blues are linked, so too are the positive and negative aspects of our personalities. I think that I am funny. I am also well aware that funny can become annoying really quickly. Irreverent can become disrespectful. Passionate can become lecherous. Joyful can become gluttonous. Self-care can become self-focus. For every yin, there is a yang.

In the end, I am always glad to see any of my children. I love them all so much. I love their unique personalities and the things that make them special. And I love those things in their completeness and in their complexity. I love their stubbornness. I love their strength. Even when I don’t enjoy it, I love it.

In the end, what makes us human is our complexity. Nothing is ever all one thing. No trait is all good or all bad. No person is one thing. That is what makes life interesting and people worth knowing. And yeah, it is gonna piss us off sometimes. But that feels like a small price to pay to truly know one another.

Now, if only UNC would have won the game…