10 years, 2 vans
10 years ago today I tried to end my life.
I was in crisis. I was drowning in unaddressed and unresolved trauma. I could only see and feel my hurt. I was self-centered and thought my pain was all that mattered. I was wrong - very wrong - and I put innocent people at risk because of it.
I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed. I went to jail. I went to inpatient treatment. I got therapy. Lots of therapy. I stopped drinking — and haven’t had a drink since.
10 years. It has simultaneously felt like 10 decades and 10 seconds.
A few weeks after that fateful night, our wrecked van was replaced by a red Toyota Sienna. We still have it. It’s got dings and scrapes. We’re on windshield number three. It looks its age.
But that van has carried our family for a decade. It hauls trash and ferries guests. It fits all 7 of us. It doesn’t plug in and there are no fancy screens. It just does what it can to make life better for the people around it.
All I can hope is that 10 years in, I’m doing the same.
If I had to distill a decade into one lesson it would be that what you are going through right now will not last. Things may feel impossible. You may be dreading today. But this moment is not permanent — and neither are you. You can change. You can grow. You can become something new. Life is beautiful. YOU ARE AMAZING. You are bigger and better than whatever is holding you right now. You are a child of God, and you are made of stardust. See yourself for the miracle you are.
And, if you want, be a red van. Things don’t have to be perfect. Good enough is good enough.
Hold on for one more day. See the sunrise tomorrow.
That’s all you need. It is all you have ever needed.
May it ever be so.
Thank you for sharing your story! The power of hope and self forgiveness are miracles that every human being has. Sometimes it’s hard to access these miracles because life can make us feel irrelevant. This is a good story because it demonstrates that we can rise above our past and create a life that positively impacts others.