An Anniversary

Photo by Kent Pilcher on Unsplash

7 years ago today I tried - and failed - to take my own life.

In some ways, it is one of those events that feels like it happened to someone else. Someone on a different planet, in a different time. My memories are gauzy and hazy, like I am watching some old, out of focus, and jittery film.

I suppose, in a way, it did happen to someone else. I feel like a different person now. I hope I act like a different person.

It took a long time after that to learn to trust myself. That is still a work in progress. It can be hard to trust your brain when you know the kind of bad ideas it is capable of generating.

Now, I mainly focus on making the best choice I can in the moments in which I find myself, and I hope that things will work out.

In the end, you have to trust something. Even if that trust is just a hope.

My feelings about today and what it means are complicated. They probably always will be. I don’t know who invented the word “closure” but I would like to kick them in the balls. There is no such thing as closure. We learn to embrace life and move on, in spite of the tangles with the darkness. If you wanna call it closure, fine. That’s not what it is. It’s more like… victory.

It turns out that I suck at suicide. I am more than okay with that.

To everyone who has supported me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and loved me over the last 7 years, thank you. I would not be here without you. And to my family… there are no words. There will never be enough words to tell you what the 6 of you mean to me. You are why I do everything. You are my life. Now and always.

I hope that wherever you are the sun shines on you today, literally or metaphorically. Feel its warmth. Be humbled at its power. Our star shines and it gives you life.

And it rises every day. As do we. To meet it on its journey.

Today is my Alive Day. And today I greet the sun.